“I would only be “in command” of the mission if I were the only remaining person. What do you know? I’m in command.”
“An ironic death for someone with a leaky space suit: too much oxygen.”
“So yeah. I’m fucked.”
“My asshole is doing as much to keep me alive as my brain.”
“Hell yeah I’m a botanist! Fear my botany powers!”
“I’ll just have to survive to make up for it.”
“As you can see, this plan provides many opportunities for me to die in a fiery explosion.”
“Turns out even NASA can’t improve on duct tape.”
“If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I’ll have to risk it.”
“Well my math was a damn liar!”
“Damn it, Jim, I’m a botanist, not a chemist!”
“Disco. God damn it, Lewis.”
“Something very hot and very explodey had happened, and I wasn’t sure what.”
“And my dumb-assery almost got me killed!”
How come Aquaman can control whales? They’re mammals! Makes no sense.
“But with all due respect to Carl, I can call it whatever the hell I want. I’m the King of Mars.”
“I’m the first person to be alone on an entire planet.”
“I haven’t been this excited about a “yes” since prom night!”
“In your face, Neil Armstrong!”
“Yeah, I know. A lot of my ideas involve setting something on fire.”
“Yes, of course duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshiped.”
“Life is amazingly tenacious. They don’t want to die any more than I do.”
“I’m on my own.”
“Mars and my stupidity keep trying to kill me.”
“Yeah, that’s right, Mars, I’m gonna piss and shit on you. That’s what you get for trying to kill me all the time.”
“As with most of life’s problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.”
“If I’ve learned one thing from my stay at Club Mars, it’s that everything can be useful.”
“You may be wondering what else I do with my free time. I spend a lot of it sitting around on my lazy ass watching TV. But so do you, so don’t judge.”
“Disco: Lifetime supply.”
“Live Another Sol would be an awesome name for a James Bond movie.”
“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”
“He’s a clever son of a bitch.”
“As soon as the rover toppled, I curled into a ball and cowered. That’s the kind of action hero I am.”
“They’re probably worried.”
“Beers for everyone if I get back to Earth.”
“It’s the simple things in life that matter.”
“Then I sat for a moment, dumbstruck that my plan had actually worked.”
“You’re sending him to space under a tarp.”
“If I survive this, I’ll tell people I was pissing rocket fuel.”
“I’ve done a little of everything here, because I’m the only one around to do it.”
“But consider this: I’d get to fly around like Iron Man.”
“It’s true, you know. In space, no one can hear you scream like a little girl.”
“But really, they did it because every human being has a basic instinct to help each other out. It might not seem that way sometimes, but it’s true.”
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